Grant

I fucking goddamn hated Grant.

When we moved to Atlanta the first time, it was me and my whole family and I was 12. My brother made himself instantly popular. He was mostly friends with the soccer kids, but he was also friends with the class fuck-up. In elementary school, they innocently call them clowns. But, come on. I'm talking about the loser kids, here, who don't fit into the system and eventually end up in jail. That was Grant.

And just like all the bullies/ clowns/ fuckups, he was hott.

So of course all the girls wanted him and of course he took them. He was just like that guy Dave that I obsessed over later in high school. Except, my experience with him can be likened to a formative moment in sixth grade involving Chris B.:

I used to stare. A lot. I'd stare at Chris all day, every day. Because he was alluring to me. So one day, he took his opportunity to genuflect before me and beg me to go out with him. In front of the entire class. Believe it or not, the embarrassment I felt from this experience prevented me from dating anyone until I moved to another state for college. I thought everyone who was interested in me was actually just making fun of me.

Anyway, that's how it was with Grant. Except, instead of being in my classroom and being able to go home and get away from him, I'd spend a whole day at school getting humiliated, followed up by a nice healthy bus ride full of kids throwing shit and making fun of me. And then topped off by my brother brining his best friend over to taunt me endlessly. Or at the very least, devalue me and make me feel less than human and certainly not the least bit attractive. The really fun part was that because he was so good looking, it made his statement stronger. If he was just some ugly, unpopular asshole, it wouldn't have bothered me as much. But because I was attracted to him, it made a pretty strong impression on me. It was like he was branding me, in fact.

So I went away to college and then I came back. By that time, my brother and I had figured out a way to tolerate each other or attempt at being friends. Especially since I didn't have any, since I'd moved back. So I went with him to see bands, I went to all of his shows. And just like back in high school, he was in a band with Grant.

One night, we were in a shit hole establishment, watching some band that was friends with them. They sucked. During the show, Grant and I started bickering, and I said, "You're just mad because you can't fuck me."

He said, "You're right."

Then we started making out. My brother turned around and saw us and his eyes bugged out of his head. Then Grant came back home with us and spent the night licking me clean. Then he went home and I didn't worry about it too much, except that I'd crossed a line, so I felt a little dirty. Mostly it was the thing about my brother.

Grant went back home, where he lived with his girlfriend. He hated her. But I liked her. So neither of us told her about it. The kind of sucky thing was that the next time I saw him, he was incredibly sweet to me. It sucked because it was unusual and out of the ordinary for our interactions with one another. I had, in fact, never seen that side of him before, nor did I know it could exist. So that sort of weirded me out. Furthermore, I really did like his girlfriend, so I kind of felt like an ass that way. So I maintained my removal and eventually it passed like nothing had ever happened.